I will not be intimidated in my own home.

I walked up to Agent Black.  A confident, not arrogant, smile on my face and my right hand outstretched to shake his hand.

He reached out, with his left hand, to shake mine. Do you know how awkward it is to shake a left-handed person’s hand? He then took his phone out of his inside jacket pocket and started texting someone. With his RIGHT HAND!  It’s as if he pretended to be left-handed, out of spite.

Agent Black said, “Please, come in Frank.” 

He seriously invited me into my own house. I hate him more and more every second.

Black continued, “Would you like to have a seat?”

I said, “Seeing as it’s MY house I’d like to take my jacket off and have something to drink.”

I may have said, “my” with a bit too much aggression.

Agent Black looked at me, with his little smug face.

He said, “Do you need to drink alcohol after work. I know your job must be very stressful.”

I looked at him and said, “No. I do not NEED a drink of alcohol after work. But, I am thirsty. I would like to drink one of the drinks that I bought with MY money that I store in MY refrigerator in MY house.”

I need to calm down with the my’s. But, it is MY damn house. The smug little turd.

“Calm down sweetie,” Susie said.

Thanks for making me sound aggressive Susie. I want to say it. But, I don’t want to sound aggressive, do I?

Instead, I said, “I am calm Susie. There’s no reason for me to not be calm. I just want to get a drink of water. If that’s okay.”

Susie said, “Of course it is Frank. Go, take your jacket off and sit down in the living room. I’ll get you a drink of water. With a slice of lemon the way you like it.”

“Thank you,” I said.

I walked over towards Agent Black that was standing next to MY couch. He motioned for me to have a seat. On MY couch. May I just remind everyone that this man keeps acting as if I’m a guest in my own damn house? He’s trying to intimidate me. I won’t be intimidated in my own home. On my own tan leather oversized expensive couch.

I sat back, crossed my legs and asked, “So, what is this all about Black?”

He smiled at me and said, “Well, as was explained to your wife, best friend and parents there have been very strict laws prohibiting the bullying. We have been tracking everyone’s usage of the internet, online profiles, written content, groups and have found that there needed to be consequences. Very strict consequences.”

I asked, with a calm tone in my voice, “And what does this have to do with me, Agent Black?”

 Black said, “By everyone’s, you are included in this Frank. You belong to some very non-questionable groups. By non-questionable, I mean you belong to groups that promote hate speech and hateful actions.”

 

I asked, “Should I call my lawyer before we begin?” You smug little ass wipe. I didn’t say that last bit. Because calling someone an ass wipe is actually aggressive.

“No”, Black said. He continued, “Because, lawyers will not advocate for bullies. Once we determine you are, in fact, a bully you  have no right to legal representation.”

“What do you mean, once you’ve determined? How and when did you determine I’m a bully?” I almost yelled.

“Calm down Frank and drink your water,” Susie said as she handed me my glass.

 It took her long enough to bring it to me. I swear I feel as if I haven’t had a drink in a year. I’m thirstier than one of those sluts on the internet with their shit hanging out with a look on their faces that resemble a brain dead cat. You know the look. Big hair, fake parts, and the same duck lipped brain dead stare.

Agent Black said, “You belong to groups called, “F You”, “Women are Stupid”, “If you don’t look like me you don’t need to live” a very long name for a group, “I’m Always Right” and we thought it would be the lesser of the groups, but it turns out it really isn’t, “Ho Ho Hoes”. The fact that it doesn’t mention Santa says everything.

Outside of these groups, you have gone on tirades against women, teenagers, anyone that literally isn’t anything like you. And you know what I mean by that. You are extremely racist Frank.”

He said the, ‘R’ word!!

“But, honestly Frank, he continued, it’s hard to say you actually like anyone. I’m not even sure you like yourself.”

I said, “And so? It’s my right to say what I want to say. I’m a citizen of this country. I can say whatever I want. It’s not as if I killed anyone.”

Agent Black took his tablet out of his left jacket pocket and started scrolling.

I tried to not look like I was trying to look at the screen.

I could see the names and lots of lists of what I assume are other “Bullies.”  I was able to see two other lists: ‘Terminate’ and ‘To be Terminated’.  What the absolute F?

 

Frank went down the list:

“April 25th

A use named Bill Jacksons said, “Who would get rid of someone if you knew you wouldn’t get caught?”

 

“Yep, two useless bitches. Susie and Cheryl. LOL”

 

Susie, who was sitting on the left side of me gasped and dropped her glass of ice tea.

Doesn’t this woman know wood floors stain with liquids?

Susie said, “Ummm, I’m going to get a cloth and dry this. I don’t want it to stain.”

 

Agent Black looked at Susie and smiled.

 

 “Frank, you were the first one to answer. It was 11:00 AM. When you should have been hard at work. I’m sure Susie doesn’t feel very good being on your list of kills. Neither does Cheryl. Anyone else on your list to kill?”

 

I interrupted and said, “No. I didn’t mean I would actually kill them.  I was just writing just to add to the conversation.”

 

“No need to get excited Frank. We have every list you’ve written since you discovered the internet,” Agent Black said with a smile.

 

Since I discovered the internet? That’s been more than..Jesus. They have everything I’ve ever written online? That can’t be true. Can it?

 

“May 1st on the everyone who looks like me or doesn’t bullshit forum.

You wrote, “If they don’t look like me they can suffer the consequences. Steal gum, get shot, take your library book, get shot. As if they can read LOL”

What consequences were you speaking of Frank?”

 

I said, “I don’t know. I guess when people do things they should be held accountable and not be given any special treatment because you know whatever.”

 

“So, you believe in being executed for stealing gum and turning in library books in late?” Agent Black asked.

“It was a joke,” I said. Damn. Not really. But, still. Damn.

 

Damn. He just keeps scrolling. How much shit did I write that they found? Isn’t he almost done scrolling?

 

Agent Black said, “There’s just so much. You write so many horrible things that I just might get carpal tunnel syndrome before the night is over.

I said, “Listen. I know I’m no angel. But, It’s not as if I Killed someone!”

 

“Saturday night,” Agent Black said.

“Which Saturday night? A Saturday in June, July? What Saturday night!?” I asked too loudly.

“This Saturday night, “Black said.

 

You went on a forum called, ‘So Lonely’.

People go on that site to chat and try to make friends. Try to connect with other people who are lonely and just want someone to chat with.

For some reason you decided, in your infinite wisdom, to go on and under Jenny’s post stating, “I’m so alone in this world. I’m not quite sure why I keep going on.”

You wrote back, “Then kill yourself. You can make friends with Jesus LOL. You can swap dresses. LMAO!!!!! “

Black said, “I’m assuming by both wearing dresses it’s because Jenny was a woman and Jesus wore a white robe.”

What do you mean, “Was a woman? Has she transitioned to a cat?” I asked.

“She killed herself, Frank. Rope.

“What the fuck?” I said.

“What the fuck indeed Frank,” Black said.

“Still on Saturday. You responded to Toby who said he was going to come out to his family tomorrow. You again, you genius you, decided to say, “Good luck with that. No real man wants a son that’s a fa..”

I said, “I got it! I know what I said! Stop telling me things that I know I said!”

I kept yelling, “It’s not my fault what weak-minded people do to themselves. It’s not my fault if that girl is living on a cloud or what happened to Toby! And I don’t want to know! So, I said these things. What of it? People are weak and stupid. When me and other people like me say things to them, we’re doing them a service. We’re trying to toughen them up. You can’t survive in this world and be a weak little piss ant!”

 

Agent Black’s tablet went black. He put it on his lap and said, “I know that you didn’t put a rope around someone’s neck or pull the trigger.”

What trigger?

“But, he continued, it doesn’t matter that you didn’t do those things.”

“Then why are you punishing me and other people?” I asked.

“Most people ask, “Why are you punishing everyone I love? Those “other people” are your wife, children, parents and best friend.” He said.

“You know what I meant.” I think I almost growled.

 

Black said, “It doesn’t matter that you didn’t pull the trigger or use the rope. What matters is that you brought it upon yourself to say these things. You decided that you had to be someone to say the most ruthless, malicious, horrible things to absolute strangers. Never mind listing two people that you say you would get rid of if you could get away with it. You feed off the sadness of others misery. You write LOL and LMAO after saying the worse things you can possibly think of.

This is why the government has created new laws and punishments. To deter this type of evil soulless activity.

Frank the world is tired of people like you. I’ll be going over my findings here today with my superiors and get back to you. It should take less than a week. You can live your life as normal. Use your bank account and have a good weekend. Just don’t try to leave town. You’re still being tracked. Thank you for having me.”

 

As if we had a choice.

 

With that, he got up and started to walk to the front door. I felt light-headed and shakey. But, I’m not going to show it. Susie got up from her chair and walked with me to the front door to show Agent Black out.

 

As he opened his car door I said, “Okay, so I’m a bad person. What can you actually do? What’s the worse you can do to me?”

 

Agent Black straightened threw his jacket onto the passenger seat, straightened his tie, looked at me and said, “Public execution.”

And then he drove away. With a smile, beep of his horn and a wave.

 

I feel more than slightly sick. Susie looks not as sick as I do. She actually looks slightly happy. I can see a slight smile on her face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

picture courtesy of #Millieeaton

5 PM

 

I’m almost home.

Just five more minutes. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

How can I maybe be a fugitive? I’ve never done anything, that bad, in my life. Sure I get on the internet and say mean things. But, everyone does. Don’t they? Of course, they do!

The day started so well. 

Even the weather seems strange now. Everything is dim. I rolled my windows down and I can’t even hear the birds that normally line the trees. I don’t even like birds. But, for some reason, I wish I could see them now.

I love this neighborhood.  I chose it for specific reasons. Beautiful homes, everyone has nice cars, minds their own business and look like me.  It’s lined with trees on both sides of the street and the lawns are well manicured. The only time anyone undesirable comes around is to do the lawns. What more could you want?

 

How did this all happen? And to me.

I’m educated, make excellent money, very good looking and excellent at everything I do.

The only thing I’ve ever done that’s questionable is marry Susie. But, she was pretty and took direction well. I told her what to do and she did it.

I’m going to drive down the street as slowly as I can. I want to see Agent Black before he sees me.

I think I see his car. There’s a black sedan parked in front of the house.

I just have to look calm and unbothered.

 I haven’t done anything to get in that much trouble. I know I’ve said some not very nice things to a lot of people, that in my mind, deserve it. But, I wouldn’t say I’m a bully. They can’t arrest you for being a bully anyway. Can they? I know what Matt said. But, he might just be wrong. How can they do anything?

How can they have you fired and take away college and do all of the things that I keep being told they can do?

It doesn’t make any sense. It’s too harsh. There are too many sensitive cry babies that wouldn’t let that happen. Even if they don’t like you, they still give you ten thousand chances and fight for your rights and freedom of speech.

The front door just opened.

Okay, there’s Susie. She looks scared. Why is she waving so hard as if she hasn’t seen me in a month?

Good Lord. Why is he inside the house? Why did she let him come in?

Agent Black came out of the front door and stood next to Susie. Smiling and rubbing his hands together.

He’s not as tall as I thought he would be. And he looks happier than I think he should. Why does he look so damn happy? Why did she let him go into the house?

Okay, I’ll just apologize, look sad, regretful and tell him that I’m going to delete all of my social media and be a good person from now on.  See it’s that easy. This won’t take more than ten minutes.

 

I got a text from Becky.

 

Text:

Becky -“You’re so fucked.”

 

Wow, I hate teenagers.

Photo courtesy of @darius.krs

Okay, I’m out of the building. I just need to get to my car and get the hell out of town.

I need to stop and get a little gas, cash, and food.

Lot’s of people leaving. Even my good old bro dude Chris is heading out. Well, won’t Cheryl to be upset to find out that I’m not the only person leaving early on a Friday afternoon. The snarky bitch.

I’ll pull into the gas station that I usually pass by on the way to work. I don’t want anyone to recognize me.

Thank God it’s quiet here. I’ve been looking around to see if I recognize anyone. I don’t know why I feel like a fugitive. I’m being “investigated” for being a “bully’.

I haven’t gotten any more texts or phone calls. That’s a good sign. Maybe, it’s not as bad as I’m thinking.

 I’ll just drive around for a little while and think of what to say. I can come up with questions that he might ask and have my answers ready.

Yes. I’ll just drive around for a little while. And if I accidentally drive onto the highway, heading due north…

Okay, let me just get some gas. Just in case.

The display on the gas pump said, “DECLINED. TAKE CARD INSIDE.”

Why won’t the machine take my card? I KNOW my credit card works. It always works.  I pay my cards off every month. It has to work.

Maybe, there’s something wrong with the pump.

I walked inside the gas station. I hate going into these places. I’m always sure it’ll be getting robbed by some thug. You know the type.

Too lazy to work so they come and steal from hard-working innocent people.

“Fill up on number six,” I said.

“It says declined sir,” said the sad-faced long greasy-haired idiot.

“Try it again. There’s nothing wrong with my card.”

“It declined again sir,” stupid said.

“Try this card then. Maybe something’s wrong with it,” I said with a bit too much aggression.

“It’s declined to sir.”

“What the fuck. It can’t be declined! Try this one! I yelled” Making him jump a little.

Stupid took my third card, with a shakey hand and put it in the machine.

“I don’t know what to say. It’s declined too,” he said. AGAIN!

I grabbed my card and left.

I’ll go and drive to the bank and use the ATM and get some cash.

It’s already almost 4:30. How is the time going so f’ing fast!?

I won’t get out. I’ll go through the drive-thru ATM.

I put my card into the machine. The screen lit up and said, “CARD HAS BEEN CONFISCATED. PLEASE GO INSIDE OF BANK.”

What the absolute…

Okay, I have some cash in my wallet. I wanted more. But, it’ll have to do. I’m just going to drive around for a while and think. Highway five is just around the corner. I’m just going to get on it and drive for a bit and think.

My phone is ringing. Who’s calling me now?

Incoming call: Agent James Black

It’s not 5:50! I’m not late! I don’t have to be home yet!

Okay, I’ll answer and sound relaxed. I’m not a fugitive for f’s sake.

“Hello,” I said.

FBI, I hate those initials, Agent Black said, “Hello Frank.”

“Yes. What do you want?” I asked. Like I keep saying, I’m not a damn fugitive. And it’s not even five yet.

Black continued, “We’re still on for 5:30 correct?”

“Yes, why?”  I asked.

“Because you’re on highway five going the opposite direction of your lovely home. You have half a tank of gas and won’t get that far.” Black said.

I asked, “How would you know where I am and how much gas I have?”

He said, “You’re under investigation Frank. You stopped at the gas station on 5th and Howe and all of your cards were declined. You went to the drive-thru ATM at Pacific Bank. Your card was confiscated. We have blocked all access to your money. You drove onto highway five. Heading out of town.”

Seriously, it’s not as if I’m a murderer on the run. As I said, I’m not a fugitive.

“Frank are you there?” Black asked.

“Yes. Of course, I’m here.”

“Good. Please, take the next exit and drive home. I and your lovely family will be waiting for you.” Agent asshole said.

“If not, you will be considered a fugitive.”

Sweet Mother of…

..

4 PM

 

In an hour and a half, I’m supposed to be meeting with agent Black. I don’t want to meet with Agent Black. I want to go home, eat dinner, pretend to listen to everyone speak to me, watch my shows, check my groups and chat. Well, chat with people that I want to chat with.

Maybe, I’ll leave work and leave town. Go somewhere that they can’t find me? We have a cabin about four hours away from here. I could stop, get some gas and keep on driving. Since I’m the only one that works at home, it’s technically all mine.

I know this would be the wrong thing to do. But, at this moment in time, I kind of don’t give a shit. This is the only time I’ve ever been afraid of another grown man. To be honest, it’s not the fact that he’s another man. It’s the fact that he has his initials. Not J.B. for James Black. It’s the F.B.I. letters all together that I’m afraid of.

 

4:15 PM

 

Let’s go.

 

4:16 PM

 

As I left my office, Cheryl walked up to me asking me where I was going?

I said, “Home. It’s Friday and I am going home to be with my family Cheryl.”

I swear she smirked at me.

Cheryl said, “Oh. I was just asking. Seeing as that it’s not 5 o’clock yet.”

I said, with my own smirk, “Cheryl, I’m a husband and a father. Sometimes, I like to go home and see my wife and children before 5 o’clock. My wife, something that you aren’t, a wife that is, likes to see her husband, something that you don’t have, a husband that is, sooner than 5 o’clock.”

“Wow”, said Cheryl.

“Yes. Wow”, I said. Her lack of social skills and knowledge of big words is maddening.

As I said goodbye to everyone, whom I’ll let you know were also packing up to head out early, I looked walked by Cheryl’s desk. I mostly certainly heard her say, “Asshole.”

I walked back to Cheryl’s desk, smiled, leaned in as close as I could, without appearing to look aggressive and whispered, “Bye Bitch.”

She looked scared.

That made me happy. And that’s how I like to end a work day. Happy.

3:00 PM

 

I had to pretend to work for a while. Cheryl came in to see if I needed anything. I don’t think she cared. She had a slight smirk on her face when she asked me if I was okay. She said that I looked a little warm. I told her that I was possibly coming down with a cold or something.

Chris also stopped by to see how I was doing.

Chris asked, “How are you doing in here bro?”

What the what..bro? Seriously, he called me bro.

Chris said, “I heard a yell earlier.”

 He said that he heard me yelling earlier. Seriously that was hours ago. If he was that damned concerned he would have been by already.

I said, “Well bro I was just speaking to my mother and she gets a little dramatic sometimes.”

Chris said, “Well if you need anything just let me know. Sometimes, we men need to talk and get our feelings out. It’s not healthy to keep everything inside.”

 Fuck your feelings, BRO!! I wanted to say. But, I didn’t.

 I just said, “If I find some feelings to talk about I’ll come and find you.”

He laughed and walked away. I could swear I heard him say, “And that’s why you’re in trouble.”

Everyone seems to have a lot to say under their breath today.

I’m going to call Susie and see what’s happening at home. I waited a while because I didn’t want to hear any hysterics. She always overreacts to everything.

 

3:15 PM

 

“Hello! Thank God you called back!!!” Susie said frantically.

“What’s happening and why does Becky hate me?”

Susie said, “Frankie the police and FBI were here this morning. Becky’s school called and said she’s going to be expelled and every college she’s applied to has sent her text messages saying that they may have previously said she sounded like she was going to get in. But, ow they’re going to all have to review her status due to a bullying alert that went out to them!”

How can colleges even know that I’m supposed to be a bully? How do these people even know who I am?

What the absolute F!!?

“Where is Becky now? What did they ask you and what the hell did you say?”

Susie said, “She just got home from school. She ran into her room and slammed the door shut. She won’t come out. She said you’re a bad man. I’m paraphrasing actually.”

Susie continued, “They asked me what organizations you belonged to, how long have you been a bully, do you bully me and the kids, when did I realize you were a bully, why did I knowingly choose to marry a bully?”

Dear God, Jesus and Virgin Mary I’m not sure who else to add to the list.

“And what did you say to all of those questions?”

Susie said, “I told them that you don’t belong to any organizations because you hate most people. Well, you hate anyone that’s not like you. I told them that you don’t bully me and the kids. You’re just a bit harsh when you give constructive criticism. Like when you tell me I’m too fat for my favorite dress. When you tell David that he needs to stop crying and man up. When you told Becky, after she cut her hair, she looked like a lesbian. Which wasn’t nice. But, I know you are just well you’re just like that. I said I chose to marry you because you were pleasant most of the time and very smart.”

Damn. Pleasant? All of the other stuff was true. But, pleasant? I’m a nice guy. She couldn’t do any better. And she is too fat for that dress.

“What types of organizations do they think I belong to?”

“They showed me some of your messages, from all of your social media accounts, it sounds as if you are, as the kids say, a total hater,” Susie said.

“Who the hell am I hating on?”

Susie said, “Umm, everyone that’s nothing like you.”

 

Holy Hell.

 

But, hey, that’s normal. Like attracts like.

“No one wants to play with David anymore at school. They found out that the police and FBI came by and that you’re a bully. So, they think he’s a bully too.” Susie said.

I yelled, “I’m not a BULLY!!”

Chris ran into my office.”Bro are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m still fine Chris, Bro, Dude, Man.”

 

Holy Holy.

 

I swear if I hear the ‘B’ word, not that one,  one more time. I swear I’m going to punch someone.

“I’ll be home as soon as I get off work.”

Susie said, “Okay, Frank. Agent Black said he was coming back tonight. Oh and Frankie.”

“Yes?”

Susie asked, “Why do you belong to a private group called, “Ho Ho Hoes?”

Oh, here’s one I just thought of…

 

Holy Fuckity Fuck!!

 

Picture courtesy of www.johnyrebel.photography.com