I will not be intimidated in my own home.

I walked up to Agent Black.  A confident, not arrogant, smile on my face and my right hand outstretched to shake his hand.

He reached out, with his left hand, to shake mine. Do you know how awkward it is to shake a left-handed person’s hand? He then took his phone out of his inside jacket pocket and started texting someone. With his RIGHT HAND!  It’s as if he pretended to be left-handed, out of spite.

Agent Black said, “Please, come in Frank.” 

He seriously invited me into my own house. I hate him more and more every second.

Black continued, “Would you like to have a seat?”

I said, “Seeing as it’s MY house I’d like to take my jacket off and have something to drink.”

I may have said, “my” with a bit too much aggression.

Agent Black looked at me, with his little smug face.

He said, “Do you need to drink alcohol after work. I know your job must be very stressful.”

I looked at him and said, “No. I do not NEED a drink of alcohol after work. But, I am thirsty. I would like to drink one of the drinks that I bought with MY money that I store in MY refrigerator in MY house.”

I need to calm down with the my’s. But, it is MY damn house. The smug little turd.

“Calm down sweetie,” Susie said.

Thanks for making me sound aggressive Susie. I want to say it. But, I don’t want to sound aggressive, do I?

Instead, I said, “I am calm Susie. There’s no reason for me to not be calm. I just want to get a drink of water. If that’s okay.”

Susie said, “Of course it is Frank. Go, take your jacket off and sit down in the living room. I’ll get you a drink of water. With a slice of lemon the way you like it.”

“Thank you,” I said.

I walked over towards Agent Black that was standing next to MY couch. He motioned for me to have a seat. On MY couch. May I just remind everyone that this man keeps acting as if I’m a guest in my own damn house? He’s trying to intimidate me. I won’t be intimidated in my own home. On my own tan leather oversized expensive couch.

I sat back, crossed my legs and asked, “So, what is this all about Black?”

He smiled at me and said, “Well, as was explained to your wife, best friend and parents there have been very strict laws prohibiting the bullying. We have been tracking everyone’s usage of the internet, online profiles, written content, groups and have found that there needed to be consequences. Very strict consequences.”

I asked, with a calm tone in my voice, “And what does this have to do with me, Agent Black?”

 Black said, “By everyone’s, you are included in this Frank. You belong to some very non-questionable groups. By non-questionable, I mean you belong to groups that promote hate speech and hateful actions.”

 

I asked, “Should I call my lawyer before we begin?” You smug little ass wipe. I didn’t say that last bit. Because calling someone an ass wipe is actually aggressive.

“No”, Black said. He continued, “Because, lawyers will not advocate for bullies. Once we determine you are, in fact, a bully you  have no right to legal representation.”

“What do you mean, once you’ve determined? How and when did you determine I’m a bully?” I almost yelled.

“Calm down Frank and drink your water,” Susie said as she handed me my glass.

 It took her long enough to bring it to me. I swear I feel as if I haven’t had a drink in a year. I’m thirstier than one of those sluts on the internet with their shit hanging out with a look on their faces that resemble a brain dead cat. You know the look. Big hair, fake parts, and the same duck lipped brain dead stare.

Agent Black said, “You belong to groups called, “F You”, “Women are Stupid”, “If you don’t look like me you don’t need to live” a very long name for a group, “I’m Always Right” and we thought it would be the lesser of the groups, but it turns out it really isn’t, “Ho Ho Hoes”. The fact that it doesn’t mention Santa says everything.

Outside of these groups, you have gone on tirades against women, teenagers, anyone that literally isn’t anything like you. And you know what I mean by that. You are extremely racist Frank.”

He said the, ‘R’ word!!

“But, honestly Frank, he continued, it’s hard to say you actually like anyone. I’m not even sure you like yourself.”

I said, “And so? It’s my right to say what I want to say. I’m a citizen of this country. I can say whatever I want. It’s not as if I killed anyone.”

Agent Black took his tablet out of his left jacket pocket and started scrolling.

I tried to not look like I was trying to look at the screen.

I could see the names and lots of lists of what I assume are other “Bullies.”  I was able to see two other lists: ‘Terminate’ and ‘To be Terminated’.  What the absolute F?

 

Frank went down the list:

“April 25th

A use named Bill Jacksons said, “Who would get rid of someone if you knew you wouldn’t get caught?”

 

“Yep, two useless bitches. Susie and Cheryl. LOL”

 

Susie, who was sitting on the left side of me gasped and dropped her glass of ice tea.

Doesn’t this woman know wood floors stain with liquids?

Susie said, “Ummm, I’m going to get a cloth and dry this. I don’t want it to stain.”

 

Agent Black looked at Susie and smiled.

 

 “Frank, you were the first one to answer. It was 11:00 AM. When you should have been hard at work. I’m sure Susie doesn’t feel very good being on your list of kills. Neither does Cheryl. Anyone else on your list to kill?”

 

I interrupted and said, “No. I didn’t mean I would actually kill them.  I was just writing just to add to the conversation.”

 

“No need to get excited Frank. We have every list you’ve written since you discovered the internet,” Agent Black said with a smile.

 

Since I discovered the internet? That’s been more than..Jesus. They have everything I’ve ever written online? That can’t be true. Can it?

 

“May 1st on the everyone who looks like me or doesn’t bullshit forum.

You wrote, “If they don’t look like me they can suffer the consequences. Steal gum, get shot, take your library book, get shot. As if they can read LOL”

What consequences were you speaking of Frank?”

 

I said, “I don’t know. I guess when people do things they should be held accountable and not be given any special treatment because you know whatever.”

 

“So, you believe in being executed for stealing gum and turning in library books in late?” Agent Black asked.

“It was a joke,” I said. Damn. Not really. But, still. Damn.

 

Damn. He just keeps scrolling. How much shit did I write that they found? Isn’t he almost done scrolling?

 

Agent Black said, “There’s just so much. You write so many horrible things that I just might get carpal tunnel syndrome before the night is over.

I said, “Listen. I know I’m no angel. But, It’s not as if I Killed someone!”

 

“Saturday night,” Agent Black said.

“Which Saturday night? A Saturday in June, July? What Saturday night!?” I asked too loudly.

“This Saturday night, “Black said.

 

You went on a forum called, ‘So Lonely’.

People go on that site to chat and try to make friends. Try to connect with other people who are lonely and just want someone to chat with.

For some reason you decided, in your infinite wisdom, to go on and under Jenny’s post stating, “I’m so alone in this world. I’m not quite sure why I keep going on.”

You wrote back, “Then kill yourself. You can make friends with Jesus LOL. You can swap dresses. LMAO!!!!! “

Black said, “I’m assuming by both wearing dresses it’s because Jenny was a woman and Jesus wore a white robe.”

What do you mean, “Was a woman? Has she transitioned to a cat?” I asked.

“She killed herself, Frank. Rope.

“What the fuck?” I said.

“What the fuck indeed Frank,” Black said.

“Still on Saturday. You responded to Toby who said he was going to come out to his family tomorrow. You again, you genius you, decided to say, “Good luck with that. No real man wants a son that’s a fa..”

I said, “I got it! I know what I said! Stop telling me things that I know I said!”

I kept yelling, “It’s not my fault what weak-minded people do to themselves. It’s not my fault if that girl is living on a cloud or what happened to Toby! And I don’t want to know! So, I said these things. What of it? People are weak and stupid. When me and other people like me say things to them, we’re doing them a service. We’re trying to toughen them up. You can’t survive in this world and be a weak little piss ant!”

 

Agent Black’s tablet went black. He put it on his lap and said, “I know that you didn’t put a rope around someone’s neck or pull the trigger.”

What trigger?

“But, he continued, it doesn’t matter that you didn’t do those things.”

“Then why are you punishing me and other people?” I asked.

“Most people ask, “Why are you punishing everyone I love? Those “other people” are your wife, children, parents and best friend.” He said.

“You know what I meant.” I think I almost growled.

 

Black said, “It doesn’t matter that you didn’t pull the trigger or use the rope. What matters is that you brought it upon yourself to say these things. You decided that you had to be someone to say the most ruthless, malicious, horrible things to absolute strangers. Never mind listing two people that you say you would get rid of if you could get away with it. You feed off the sadness of others misery. You write LOL and LMAO after saying the worse things you can possibly think of.

This is why the government has created new laws and punishments. To deter this type of evil soulless activity.

Frank the world is tired of people like you. I’ll be going over my findings here today with my superiors and get back to you. It should take less than a week. You can live your life as normal. Use your bank account and have a good weekend. Just don’t try to leave town. You’re still being tracked. Thank you for having me.”

 

As if we had a choice.

 

With that, he got up and started to walk to the front door. I felt light-headed and shakey. But, I’m not going to show it. Susie got up from her chair and walked with me to the front door to show Agent Black out.

 

As he opened his car door I said, “Okay, so I’m a bad person. What can you actually do? What’s the worse you can do to me?”

 

Agent Black straightened threw his jacket onto the passenger seat, straightened his tie, looked at me and said, “Public execution.”

And then he drove away. With a smile, beep of his horn and a wave.

 

I feel more than slightly sick. Susie looks not as sick as I do. She actually looks slightly happy. I can see a slight smile on her face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

picture courtesy of #Millieeaton