I’m still a bit numb. Okay, completely numb. I’ve never been afraid to leave work and go home in my life.
Except when Susie’s parents came to stay a couple of years back. But, that was mostly just feeling annoyed. They’re as stupid as she is sometimes.
I called my mother. She may be a bit calmer than my dad, at this moment.
“Hello, sweetie.” My mother said. “How are you?”
She doesn’t sound as if anyone is about to have a heart attack, stroke or even a mild case of acid reflux.
I said, “I’m returning your call. How are you and dad?”
My mother said, “Well sweetie, the police were here, this morning, asking about you.”
I asked, “And what did they ask?”
She said, “Well, they wanted to know if you have anger issues and what organizations you belong to?”
“And you told them what exactly?” I asked.
Mom said, “I told them that you’ve always been highly excitable and I wasn’t sure what organizations you belonged to. That you’ve always been outgoing and new a lot of people,but you aren’t a joining, as it were, type of person.”
I said, “You told them that I’m highly excitable?”
Well, that should help me. They think I’m a highly excitable bully. That sounds awesome.
Mom continued, “They asked your father the same questions and looked at our phones. At first, your father said that he knew his rights as an American citizen.”
I asked, “What did they say then?”
She said, “That’s when a man walked up from behind the nice police officer and started talking to us.”
Oh my Lord, “What man and what did he say?”
Mom said, “At this moment the only rights you have are the ones that I give to you. And, because you’re the parents of an adult bully, your rights are to tell me everything I want to know. And then your dad kind of fell into his lounge chair and said he was going to have a heart attack. He didn’t even see the dog was already sat on the chair. The man said, “You won’t have a heart attack until I say you can. Stay seated sir.”
Oh, my sweet Jesus. “What was his name?”
“Agent James Black. I’m sure his first name isn’t agent. But, you never know. Some of these parents are calling their children some silly names.”
I have to steady myself with my arm on my desk. I won’t fall far since I’m seated. But, I just feel a bit dizzy.
I didn’t want to know but, I still had to ask what else he told them. So, I could be ready when I get home.
I asked, “What else did he say?”
Mom said, “He told us that there is a new bullying law that was passed. Because you’re a bully..”
I yelled into the phone, “I’m not a bully!!”
Everyone stopped and looked up at me from their desks. I’m sure I heard a giggle.
My mother continued, “Sorry sweetie, but I’m just repeating what Agent Black said. He said that because you’re a “B-word…
I don’t think she knows exactly what that actually means.
She was still talking, “Because, you’re the B-word and we’re your parents we are just as in trouble as you are. Because, we raised you to be the ahem ummm, now I’m just going use the exact words he used sweetie so don’t get angry at me.”
I said, “Just tell me what he said, mother.”
Honestly, why are women so stupid?
Mother said, “Because, we raised you to a complete asshole we’re in trouble too. That due to our shitty parenting skills after they are finished with their interviews and investigations, we’ll probably lose our pensions. Your father will have to go back to work and I’ll have to take in laundry to make ends meet. So, we better have saved up a few coins. After he said that your father asked them to call 911.”
“And did they call?”
Mom said, “No. He said we really won’t be able to afford the ambulance bill after they’re finished with us.”
Oh God and Jesus.
Mom said quietly, “I think I’m going to just hang up sweetie. Your dad has started drinking after 10 years of sobriety and I feel a slight stroke coming on. Love you!”
God, Jesus and Holy Virgin Mary.
Picture courtesy of Steph Munden